we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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