Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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