It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
