If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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