I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
