I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
