So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You can't motorboat a personality
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
