Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
