Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
