Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What a dumb baby whore.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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