So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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