Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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