Apparently you make a good broom.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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