Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I FOUND THE LEGS
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize