He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
