I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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