I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
