I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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