Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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