The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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