chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
