awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
