My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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