I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
