Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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