I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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