How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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