I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
