I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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