I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
