just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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