i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
