Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
