Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
