Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
