Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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