you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
