i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
