You really coming over, don't trick.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize