the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
