Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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