oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
