I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
