so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
