I skipped work to stalk him.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
