my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
