I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
