I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
