We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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