Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
