i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
