Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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