Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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