she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
