I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I can't put those talents on a resume
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
