I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
