I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
