Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
