Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize