Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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