just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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