i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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