bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
