god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
